I am so excited to write this post. Excited and a little bit sick, to be honest because this is it. This is me coming out of anonymity after two years of blogging.

I am starting to realise that I can’t publicise this and stay undercover so now my family and friends will be able to read all my posts about all sorts of embarrassing things.

Also, of course, everyone could hate my book and pour scorn and mockery upon my head. Argh! But, this is something I’ve wanted to do all my life and if not now, when etc.

It’s not great timing that I’ve got this coming out just as we are dealing with a horrifying, world-wide pandemic and I am conscious of the millions of people who are going through extraordinary suffering, not to mention those heroes who get up and go to work every day in hospitals, supermarkets, lorries and so on to keep us all going.

But then, I’ve found reading and re-reading old favourites has been really comforting so maybe this will help someone stuck indoors with irritating partners and/or annoying children who could do with something to take their mind off things.

It is a pretty escapist novel, it’s got mystery and magic and an awful old woman who is horrible to people and makes me laugh – she’s basically my Nan. I wanted the book to represent all the strong, funny, bawdy and clever women I have known who never let the world defeat them, even though they may wobble sometimes.

I was going to use the tag line; ‘Because you’re never too old, or too fat to save the world’ but Rob wouldn’t let me. What do you think?

This blog and the wonderful people – you, dear reader – who have commented, made me laugh and offered fantastic advice, led me to this day and I am hugely grateful to all of you who had a look at some early chapters and gave encouragement.

It would be AMAZING if you could buy a copy, it’s only a couple of quid, and thanks to the marvellous Amazon you can get it all over the world. It is also in paperback but that’s more expensive.

It would ALSO be amazing if you could give it a review – but as they say, if you like it, write a glowing review, if you don’t, contact me and I will send you a refund! Or buy you a drink, depends how close we are.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to all of you who have followed my blog. I’m sorry I’ve been so crap about updates but I found I couldn’t do both, my brain just sort of split into fragments when I tried.

I’m working on a thriller now currently called ‘Green Eyes’ but that will probably change.

Lots of love to you all and let’s hope this horror passes soon.

Not About My Book But Random Ramblings

So what’s going on in the MAW household?

Well, to begin with, OCADO!

Jesus Christ, never has shopping been so stressful. As I mentioned in my last post we were doing pretty well with food, thanks to my ‘Walking Dead’ obsession shopping, but over the past few weeks supplies (of comfort food, mainly) were running dangerously low.

One tip, I got some delicious – I mean really delicious – bread from this online bakery. I didn’t know you could get bread delivered, but if you fancy some lovely, freshly baked loaves and rolls etc have a look here. Their fig and walnut bread is highly recommended (by me, who ate half of the loaf last night with butter).

For the past week I’ve been trying to get a delivery slot with Ocado. A combination of Rob’s paranoia, my asthma, hypochondria, and living in the middle of fricking nowhere, means we are quite reliant on home delivering our groceries.

The search for a slot was fruitless for days. My neighbour and I exchanged anxious texts, she was IN! No, she got bounced off. I kept getting bounced off until I was IN! Could book a delivery but couldn’t add any shopping to my basket. Neighbour could add to basket but couldn’t check out.

Then she was IN and BOOKED! I was sick with jealousy. She sent me a string of dancing emojis, saying she’d never been so excited about food shopping.

Three days later I was in, with a slot booked and I started adding stuff to the basket. I was very sensible and went for the meat, fruit, veg etc that we usually bought – my finger hovered over the ‘check out’ button. Here I was, moments away… my heart rate ticked up a notch then…

BLAM!

Bounced out.

This image has been burned on my retinas for the past week – I see it in my dreams.

Nooooo! I cried in agony. I must have sounded pretty wretched because both Son AND Daughter looked up from their devices in mild consternation, before looking back down again. Dog, bless her, trotted over but she had – yet again – rolled in something disgusting so was sent back to her bean bag.

I found if I logged in again I had a few precious seconds before I got bounced so I started on a mission to get the trolley checked out. This took hours and hours and while I was doing this I kept seeing extra items and thought ooh! Yes! Better get that. Better get wine.

When I finally (last night at 1am) managed to check out and I received the email confirmation I realised that in my panicked state I’d managed to buy an awful lot of mint clubs, two different bottles of extra virgin olive oil (the one thing we didn’t need) and five different sets of multipack crisps.

It was all a bit of a blur, I don’t remember quite how it happened. The shopping is going to be much more expensive than normal and is basically full of high calorie carbs and chocolate.

Rob’s current project is clearing a huge flowerbed which is stuffed full of ugly coppice. He chops it down easy enough but is then left with a million branches and trunks so it looks like the aftermath of the 1987 hurricane out there.

That’s when the children are supposed to come in. I don’t know if any of you have, or have had, children around the age of 12 and 14, but they really don’t seem very keen on helping with the moving and chipping of said hurricane aftermath.

Emotional blackmail didn’t work, so I had to go through hours of tense negotiation. It took so long I might as well have gone out and done it myself. Eventually, I got Daughter to spend just over seven minutes in the garden and Son managed an entire hour.

They have been tricky to say the least. I find myself veering between impatience and frustration as they sleep in all day and live on their devices, and sympathy for them. Son is devastated his Yr 9 at school has been cut short and he is missing out on all that social stuff you do at that age. Daughter misses her friends and worries about her exams.

Daughter is going through that beady stage where she is critical of every bit of me. I remember going through it myself with my lovely mum but that knowledge doesn’t make it any easier. ‘You’ve got a hole in those leggings,’ she’ll say. Or, ‘shouldn’t you brush your hair before you give that lesson, they can see you, you know.’ (I had, in fact, already brushed my hair.)

The way I pronounce ‘butter’, my ‘ridiculous’ insistence that towels don’t have to be washed after a single use, my borrowing back MY shoes that she’s pinched – all come under her critical scrutiny and I am found sadly lacking.

But then she will do something lovely. Last night she presented me with one of those paper ‘fortune teller’ things. Remember them? I didn’t know what they were called until I found this on Wikipedia.

I chose the colours and numbers as expected and when Daughter lifted the flap it said ‘Your Book Will Get You Millions’, and she then unfolded it all up and every flap said the same. Cue ugly crying and hugging from me, which she tolerated for about five seconds before pushing me off.

• 

• 

I found the one thing I do that really, really annoys them. It fills them with mortification and horror. I don’t know whether you’ve seen it but it’s all over Tik Tok (An app to which I have become completely addicted, it is curiously uplifting – all those young people dancing at school and then getting expelled – joyous)

Anyway, there’s a guy on there with a thick southern accent who sings ‘Somebody come get her, she’s dancing like a stripper.’ Here is a woman who, like me, has got this song trapped in her head.

https://www.tiktok.com/@vixmeldrew/video/6808856116857031941

So what I do when the kids are annoying me is jump into their rooms and sing this, whilst dancing enthusiastically with lots of hip thrusting.

Talking of Tik Tok – here are some of my favourite videos.

This is my NUMBER ONE Favourite Tik Tok Video – it makes me laugh every time I watch it.

Look at these wonderful dancing hospital people!

@shuj1234

#coronavirus #nhs #itu #uk #nurse

♬ Woah (feat. D3Mstreet) – KRYPTO9095

And finally this guy. This guy makes me feel funny in my tummy (you’re welcome *fans self*)

I hope you enjoyed them.

Please buy my book!

Please review my book!

Thank you for all your support over the years and let me know what you think of… THE WOMAN AND THE WITCH! – OUT NOW!

XXX

PS FINAL thought – I heard a few months ago a great quote and I am going to make it my motto – ‘Pain is what turns a woman into a WARRIOR!’